I just had some passing thoughts which I thought would be interesting and helpful for me to write (I'm saying that just to put it into a bit of context as not to seem too random).
I thought of my negative feelings as something seperate from me...recently I've felt overcome by emotions, my optimisic outlook remains yet is quiet...
it reminds me of these Alexisonfire lyrics "there is something waiting for me, in the darkest part of my imagination"
I'm not writing this to sound deep or tragic...I feel very lucky and that my life is far from being all doom and gloom!
It can feel like there's something inside of me trying to bring me down with all it's energy
it's those feelings...resentment, jealousy, loneliness, lack of appreciation and boredom.
it's my mind telling me "people don't appreciate me, my friends don't really care they just pretend, I'm not as good as everyone else, I'm nothing special"...I don't believe it but it's there!
but then how do you choose which thoughts to believe? is that a stupid question? I suppose you just know!
schizophrenia? I don't really think so!
I think I've suffered from pretty bad OCD before and an inferiority complex but I feel they were pretty mild cases compared to people who actually need help to deal with it
(haha my mum just completely ruined my focus on this little introspective essay by giving me a really nice confidence boosting talk! she's amazing, thanks mum and to my friends for being so amazingly kind, thoughtful and rad!)
I don't think I really see my emotions in such a black and white way as good and bad...I think I can just feel suffocated (so to speak) by them and sometimes it's hard not to see them so negatively...I'm pretty mixed! I don't think it's nice to go through these things
however here's another view I find intriguing and is written far more eloquently than I ever could!
"It seems to me that almost all our sadnesses are moments of tension, which we feel as paralysis because we no longer hear our astonished emotions living. Because we are alone with the unfamiliar presence that has entered us; because everything we trust and are used to is for a moment taken away from us; because we stand in the midst of a transition where we cannot remain standing...
please, ask yourself whether these large sadnesses haven't rather gone right through you. Perhaps many things inside you have been transformed; perhaps somewhere, deep inside your being, you have undergone important changes while you were sad"
through sadnesses you learn...things like empathy and eventually confidence to live?
it all depends how you choose to look at things I suppose but I can completely relate to anyone who feels so down they can't see all the good before them! and who hasn't felt like that before!
I could go on about this for longer but I'll leave it there.
I hope anyone who read this found it interesting...I'd actually really like to hear some thoughts!
stay safe!
x
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